Wednesday, June 25, 2008
'The Secret' - Rhonda Byrne
Good Quotes About Life
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO - what a ride!" - unknown
A good life quote for letting go of the past: If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears. - Glenn Clark. Good life quote are about letting go.
Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. - Mark Twain
That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in the next. - John Stuart Mill. A good quote about life involves knowing the past.
The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. - Paul Tillich
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter. - Martin Luther King, Jr. Good quotes about life involve encouraging people to speak up.
* Believe me: the secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Friedrich Nietzsche
A good quote about life's stubborness: An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men. - Dr. Thomas Fuller.
* The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself. - Rita Mae Brown. Good quotes about life involves learning how to like yourself.
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith. Good life quotes encourage people to be thoughtful and deliberate.
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over the soul. - Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
* Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out if they've got a second. Give your dreams all you've got and you'll be amazed at the energy that comes out of you. - William James. Good quotes about life include trying as hard as you can.
A good quote about life's trivialities: For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. - Alfred D. Souza
* The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. - Anonymous. Good quotes about life mean starting now.
We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true. - Woodrow Wilson
* This is to love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First, to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. - Jelaluddin Rumi. A good quote about life encourages people to love others.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
“The Irresistible Costs of Impressing Others: Managing Impressions and Regulating Behavior”
Epictetus said - Be not swept off your feet by the vividness of the impression, but say, "Impression, wait for me a little. Let me see what you are and what you represent. Let me try you." Well, that tells us how to respond (i.e., our response) to someone who is trying to impress. As Epictetus said, "We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them." But the "action" part of the question still remained unanswered - how to impress without bragging? Impression management seems to be a big issue in this age of self-marketing for success.
Jamie G. McMinn in the Psychology Department at the Westminster College, New Wilmington, PA has some online teaching notes that I chanced upon while honing my 'google-ing' skills. >>
From the online notes >>
This case study presents an example that is based on an experiment reported in Vohs, Baumeister, and Ciarocco [Vohs, K.D., R.F. Baumeister, and N.J. Ciarocco. 2005. Self-regulation and self-presentation: Regulatory resource depletion impairs impression management and effortful self-presentation depletes regulatory processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88, 632–657.] These researchers suspected that impression management strategies would require different levels of behavioral regulation, depending on the audience whose impression is being managed. For example, compared with being modest, more regulation is required when we brag to someone we know well because that person has a lot of information about us and can verify the impression we are making. Similarly, we need to regulate our behaviors more when being modest to a stranger, rather than bragging about ourselves. This is because it makes sense to present ourselves in the most positive fashion to people who do not know us well, and being modest does not achieve this goal.
The case describes four college roommates who attend a party where they see friends and classmates who know them well, and also meet new people who know nothing about them. The young men have conversations with either friends or strangers, and they either brag about their accomplishments or present themselves in a modest manner. Later on, the roommates are faced with a temptation where regulating their behavior is very important. Students are asked to make predictions about how well each man will respond to the temptation. They are then given the opportunity to compare their predictions with the pattern of results found in the Vohs et al. (2005) study. <<
Two theories were presented to explain the interplay between self-promotion and self-regulation >>
Impression Management Theory
According to impression management theory, people are generally motivated to enhance the self, and one way to do this is to present themselves in ways that lead others to evaluate them positively. The ability to manage the impressions that others have of us is vital to many activities, such as when we interview for jobs and try to impress an employer, or when we present ourselves as helpless when asking for another’s assistance. As such, impression management theory focuses on an interpersonal process.
There are many strategies that people use to convey a desired image to others (cf. Cialdini, 1989; Jones and Pittman, 1982). Some of these include flattering those who have resources that we want (ingratiation), associating with successful others (basking in reflected glory), dissociating with unsuccessful others (cutting off reflected failure), accentuating negative relationships with undesirable others (blaring), creating excuses for our failures (self-handicapping), and intimidating other people.
The two strategies that are highlighted in this case are bragging and modesty. Bragging occurs when we exaggerate our positive qualities and hide our negative qualities. Modesty occurs when we present our qualities in a way that is neither boastful nor self-deprecating (Tice et al., 1995).
Self-Regulation
Self-regulation theory focuses on people’s ability to monitor and control their behavior to achieve desired goals (Baumeister and Heatherton, 1996). It is associated with an ability to modify “automatic, habitual, or innate behaviors, urges, emotions, or desires that would otherwise interfere with goal directed behavior” (Muraven, Shmueli, and Burkley, 2006, p. 524). For example, students self-regulate when they study for an exam rather than engage in other activities, like socializing with friends or going to bed. The ability to regulate one’s behavior is believed to be finite, meaning that a person can deplete the resources that are required to regulate behavior. When that happens, the person is less able to regulate later behaviors (cf. Muraven et al., 2006). Thus, a student may be readily able to study for an exam in the morning when regulation resources are high, but less able to do so at night when daily activities have exhausted these resources. Self-regulation theory focuses on an intrapersonal process.
Connecting Impression Management and Self-Regulation
Managing the impressions that we make on other people requires us to monitor and control our behaviors. Some impression management strategies are easy and require very little regulation, whereas others require much more regulation (Vohs et al., 2005). As we manage impressions, we tap into resources that enable self-regulation. The more we manage impressions or use strategies that require substantial control, the fewer resources we have to regulate other behaviors. The connection between managing impressions and regulating behavior was tested in a series of experiments by Vohs and her colleagues (2005). College participants were asked to present themselves either modestly or favorably to either a friend or a stranger in an interview with fifteen questions. They were later asked to work on a series of challenging multiplication problems until all were solved or until they decided to stop working on the task. The results showed that participants who presented modestly to a stranger or who bragged to a friend stopped working on the multiplication problems sooner than those whose impression management efforts required less control.<<
These all relates to SELF and so SELF has to be identified to discuss SELF-promotion and SELF-regulation. Buddha says >>
The body [rupa], monks, is not self. If the body were the self, this body would not lend itself to dis-ease. It would be possible (to say) with regard to the body, “Let my body be thus. Let my body be not thus.” But precisely because the body is not self, the body lends itself to dis-ease. And it is not possible (to say) with regard to the body, “Let my body be thus. Let my body not be thus.” <<
So if body is not the SELF then what is SELF? Is it the consciousness of our BEING in this world, that makes us perform activities of daily living, make friends and foes, work hard for the success in the rat race? If it's that consciousness then should that consciousness be controlled for better visibility and acceptance? Like be 'nice' because people like 'nice' people and you will be liked? Or can it be controlled as Epictetus said, "self-regulation, an ideal state in which one is in total control of all that transpires within the inner citadel. The fact that we are far from this ideal in our present state does nothing to refute it." Epictetus in the handbook - Echiridion - gives a list>>
Jamie G. McMinn in the Psychology Department at the Westminster College, New Wilmington, PA has some online teaching notes that I chanced upon while honing my 'google-ing' skills. >>
From the online notes >>
This case study presents an example that is based on an experiment reported in Vohs, Baumeister, and Ciarocco [Vohs, K.D., R.F. Baumeister, and N.J. Ciarocco. 2005. Self-regulation and self-presentation: Regulatory resource depletion impairs impression management and effortful self-presentation depletes regulatory processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88, 632–657.] These researchers suspected that impression management strategies would require different levels of behavioral regulation, depending on the audience whose impression is being managed. For example, compared with being modest, more regulation is required when we brag to someone we know well because that person has a lot of information about us and can verify the impression we are making. Similarly, we need to regulate our behaviors more when being modest to a stranger, rather than bragging about ourselves. This is because it makes sense to present ourselves in the most positive fashion to people who do not know us well, and being modest does not achieve this goal.
The case describes four college roommates who attend a party where they see friends and classmates who know them well, and also meet new people who know nothing about them. The young men have conversations with either friends or strangers, and they either brag about their accomplishments or present themselves in a modest manner. Later on, the roommates are faced with a temptation where regulating their behavior is very important. Students are asked to make predictions about how well each man will respond to the temptation. They are then given the opportunity to compare their predictions with the pattern of results found in the Vohs et al. (2005) study. <<
Two theories were presented to explain the interplay between self-promotion and self-regulation >>
Impression Management Theory
According to impression management theory, people are generally motivated to enhance the self, and one way to do this is to present themselves in ways that lead others to evaluate them positively. The ability to manage the impressions that others have of us is vital to many activities, such as when we interview for jobs and try to impress an employer, or when we present ourselves as helpless when asking for another’s assistance. As such, impression management theory focuses on an interpersonal process.
There are many strategies that people use to convey a desired image to others (cf. Cialdini, 1989; Jones and Pittman, 1982). Some of these include flattering those who have resources that we want (ingratiation), associating with successful others (basking in reflected glory), dissociating with unsuccessful others (cutting off reflected failure), accentuating negative relationships with undesirable others (blaring), creating excuses for our failures (self-handicapping), and intimidating other people.
The two strategies that are highlighted in this case are bragging and modesty. Bragging occurs when we exaggerate our positive qualities and hide our negative qualities. Modesty occurs when we present our qualities in a way that is neither boastful nor self-deprecating (Tice et al., 1995).
Self-Regulation
Self-regulation theory focuses on people’s ability to monitor and control their behavior to achieve desired goals (Baumeister and Heatherton, 1996). It is associated with an ability to modify “automatic, habitual, or innate behaviors, urges, emotions, or desires that would otherwise interfere with goal directed behavior” (Muraven, Shmueli, and Burkley, 2006, p. 524). For example, students self-regulate when they study for an exam rather than engage in other activities, like socializing with friends or going to bed. The ability to regulate one’s behavior is believed to be finite, meaning that a person can deplete the resources that are required to regulate behavior. When that happens, the person is less able to regulate later behaviors (cf. Muraven et al., 2006). Thus, a student may be readily able to study for an exam in the morning when regulation resources are high, but less able to do so at night when daily activities have exhausted these resources. Self-regulation theory focuses on an intrapersonal process.
Connecting Impression Management and Self-Regulation
Managing the impressions that we make on other people requires us to monitor and control our behaviors. Some impression management strategies are easy and require very little regulation, whereas others require much more regulation (Vohs et al., 2005). As we manage impressions, we tap into resources that enable self-regulation. The more we manage impressions or use strategies that require substantial control, the fewer resources we have to regulate other behaviors. The connection between managing impressions and regulating behavior was tested in a series of experiments by Vohs and her colleagues (2005). College participants were asked to present themselves either modestly or favorably to either a friend or a stranger in an interview with fifteen questions. They were later asked to work on a series of challenging multiplication problems until all were solved or until they decided to stop working on the task. The results showed that participants who presented modestly to a stranger or who bragged to a friend stopped working on the multiplication problems sooner than those whose impression management efforts required less control.<<
These all relates to SELF and so SELF has to be identified to discuss SELF-promotion and SELF-regulation. Buddha says >>
The body [rupa], monks, is not self. If the body were the self, this body would not lend itself to dis-ease. It would be possible (to say) with regard to the body, “Let my body be thus. Let my body be not thus.” But precisely because the body is not self, the body lends itself to dis-ease. And it is not possible (to say) with regard to the body, “Let my body be thus. Let my body not be thus.” <<
So if body is not the SELF then what is SELF? Is it the consciousness of our BEING in this world, that makes us perform activities of daily living, make friends and foes, work hard for the success in the rat race? If it's that consciousness then should that consciousness be controlled for better visibility and acceptance? Like be 'nice' because people like 'nice' people and you will be liked? Or can it be controlled as Epictetus said, "self-regulation, an ideal state in which one is in total control of all that transpires within the inner citadel. The fact that we are far from this ideal in our present state does nothing to refute it." Epictetus in the handbook - Echiridion - gives a list>>
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Who Moved My Cheese?
Change Happens
They Keep Moving The Cheese
Anticipate Change
Get Ready For The Cheese To Move
Monitor Change
Smell The Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old
Adapt To Change Quickly
The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese
Change
Move With The Cheese
Enjoy Change!
Savor The Adventure And Enjoy The Taste Of New Cheese!
Be Ready To Change Quickly And Enjoy It Again & Again
They Keep Moving The Cheese
They Keep Moving The Cheese
Anticipate Change
Get Ready For The Cheese To Move
Monitor Change
Smell The Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old
Adapt To Change Quickly
The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese
Change
Move With The Cheese
Enjoy Change!
Savor The Adventure And Enjoy The Taste Of New Cheese!
Be Ready To Change Quickly And Enjoy It Again & Again
They Keep Moving The Cheese
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Emotional Affairs: Friendship and beyond ...
Postulates :
1. A person's ability to form a new 'meaningful' relationship 'beyond' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the net availability of emotional energy. Emotional delinquency limits new relationships.
2. A person's susceptibility to a new 'meaningless' relationship 'inside' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the transference and counter-transference (as defined below) during emotionally vulnerable interactions.
Premise : Emotional energy is limited and invested unevenly in a person's circle of acquaintances. The emotional investment changes during the course of the relationship based on interpersonal dynamics and redefinitions. The strength of the bond between two individuals is proportional to the emotional investment of both the parties involved. When multiple parties are involved then the notion is similar to a family with multiple siblings where "Brothers and sisters usually spend at least as much time together as each spends with the parents, but the significance of their reciprocal influences tends to be overlooked. Indeed, inattention to feelings and attitudes rooted in sibling relationships can be a source of therapeutic stalemate, if not failure." (Ruth M. Lesser, "Sibling Transference and Countertransference, Journal of American Academy of Psychoanalysis, 6:37-49, 1978) In this paper, emotional delinquency, transference and counter-transference is explored in the context to 'friendship' and extrapolated to underline the conditions required for a new relationship that's 'inside' or 'beyond'. The paper draws heavily from the well known 'attachment theory' of John Bowlby. [Attachment theory on Wiki]
Definitions to be followed in this paper :
Emotional delinquency - inadequate emotional capital to invest in a new relationship
Transference - the unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another (friend in this case)
Counter-transference - the conscious or unconscious response to the transference initiated by a person (friend in this case)
Acquaintance - any person or object that a person is emotionally invested in
Discussion : Three cases will be discussed -
1. Marriage with a person outside the circle of acquaintances in presence of emotional delinquency.
2. Rebound relationship inside the circle of acquaintances following a breakup.
3. Emotional infidelity during serious courtship and marriage - "If there is ongoing interaction with someone with whom you have been very honest in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, this can generate a feeling of closeness that stimulates even more sharing—and more closeness, and on and on. Eventually, this relationship can become extremely close and an emotional attachment develops, causing serious damage to the marriage—whether or not it ever becomes "sexual." DearPeggy.com
1. Any relationship between two individuals is started with an initial investment (II) of emotions by both the parties involved. Both the individuals have an expected return on investment (ROI) which facilitates further investment in that relationship. This can occur consciously or unconsciously - more is the investment => more is the interdependence => stronger is the bond. Emotional bank account is a metaphor for such interdependence called the P/PC (Production versus building Production Capacity) model for interdependence. Return on investment depends on the other person's emotional behaviors. Behavior of ones liking creates a deposit in the account and a behavior of ones disliking creates a withdrawal. An account with high balance builds trust and strength of that bond.
A person who is emotionally delinquent finds it difficult to make the II to open a new emotional account. Even if such a person opens a new emotional account under social pressure, say for marriage, the person finds it difficult to commit to a periodic investment thats expected by the other party for their ROI. Also, a person who is emotionally delinquent expects high ROI on his/her investment to tide over their delinquency. Marriage with a person outside someones circle of acquaintances requires opening and maintenance of such an account.
Dag Hammerskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual, than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
There are six major deposits we can make to the emotional bank account:
1. Understanding the individual. An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding.
2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships.
3. Keep commitments. Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal.
4. Clarify expectations. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later.
5. Show personal integrity. A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. Honesty requires conforming our words to reality. Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one.
6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies are deposits, but repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals.
2. Breakup makes a person emotionally vulnerable as is the case with any failure - it's an emotional investment gone wrong. In times of such vulnerability, people fall back on their family and friends for emotional support. Friends serve as counselors during such times of need. Of course a friend in need is a friend indeed and moreover, a friend in deed is a friend indeed :) 'in need' part is well understood so let's focus on the 'in deed' part of it.
Counseling involves understanding of the underlying emotional problem without any conflict of interest. Transference at such times right after a break up can occur naturally and is needed for the understanding of the problem. In such cases, the romantic emotions preceding the break up are projected on to the counselor. When the counselor is a friend, especially if of the opposite sex, then there is a propensity to a conflict in interest. Counter-transference in such conditions causes emotional entanglement and rebound relationships, which are detrimental to the trust and tenets of friendship. A trained counselor knows how to deal with this challenge and a friend 'in deed' should either learn the basics or should avoid transference altogether (giving a shoulder to cry on is not transference but emotional manipulation to make someone feel better is transference - leave that for trained counselors!!!).
Sigmund Freud on transference:
"The patient is not satisfied with regarding the analyst in the light of reality as a helper and adviser who, moreover, is remunerated for the trouble he takes and who would himself be content with some such role as that of a guide on a difficult mountain climb. On the contrary, the patient sees in him the return, the reincarnation, of some important figure out of his childhood or past, and consequently transfers on to him feelings and reactions which undoubtedly applied to this prototype. This fact of transference soon proves to be a factor of undreamt-of importance, on the one hand an instrument of irreplaceable value and on the other hand a source of serious dangers. This transference is ambivalent: it comprises positive (affectionate) as well as negative (hostile) attitudes towards the analyst, who as a rule is put in the place of one or other of the patient's parents, his father or mother. (From "An Outline of Psychoanalysis" - 1940)"
3. Emotional infidelity in current times is an emerging and serious problem. This is leading to increasing number of broken relationships and divorces. Physical infidelity is very well defined from time immemorial but emotional infidelity is not perceived that well in this age of increasing connectedness. Every relationship needs certain return on investment (ROI) and romantic relationship needs the most. Marriage is the most sacred institution that one selects under ones own volition. It goes beyond friendship since it involves raising children which demands ones undivided attention.
This is an age of increasing connectedness and diminishing returns on investments. Relationships represent a crowded nightclub and social fatigue is common. People look for instant gratification and investment in a long-term relationship feels boring. More and more people are looking for an escape from marriage to make their life more interesting. There is always pros and cons to everything. An everlasting romantic relationship requires long-term commitment and provide long-term benefits, much like a pension account. One-night-stands are more like credit cards ;)
In such times of increasing connectedness, it is possible to have flings. Also, emotional support sometimes is derived from outside of spouse/partner, which diminishes ROI in marriage/courtship. Flings unless sexual in nature are most often guilt free but ramifications can be as painful and hurtful as a physical affair. These flings usually start as a friendship and then builds on sharing of intimate thoughts and feeling. In all such cases, 'we are just friends' is a rationalization of that closeness. The trust of the spouse is most often questioned because of the 'diminishing returns on investments' in such a long-term relationship.
There are several warning signs of an emotional affair.
* You are withdrawing from your spouse.
* You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
* You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
* The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
* When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
* You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
* You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
* You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
* Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
* You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.
One of the many things that separate human from animals is our ability to know what's right and what's wrong. Human have developed a rule-book of social conduct to prevent
such misadventures that occur so often in animal kingdom. Animals socialize by animal instincts, while human socialize according to ethics.
So what's a good relationship? ... I would let Chris Rock explain ;D (caution: obscene language of course, it's CHRIS ROCK ;)
Also, "What kills a marriage quicker: A physical affair or an emotional one?"
1. A person's ability to form a new 'meaningful' relationship 'beyond' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the net availability of emotional energy. Emotional delinquency limits new relationships.
2. A person's susceptibility to a new 'meaningless' relationship 'inside' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the transference and counter-transference (as defined below) during emotionally vulnerable interactions.
Premise : Emotional energy is limited and invested unevenly in a person's circle of acquaintances. The emotional investment changes during the course of the relationship based on interpersonal dynamics and redefinitions. The strength of the bond between two individuals is proportional to the emotional investment of both the parties involved. When multiple parties are involved then the notion is similar to a family with multiple siblings where "Brothers and sisters usually spend at least as much time together as each spends with the parents, but the significance of their reciprocal influences tends to be overlooked. Indeed, inattention to feelings and attitudes rooted in sibling relationships can be a source of therapeutic stalemate, if not failure." (Ruth M. Lesser, "Sibling Transference and Countertransference, Journal of American Academy of Psychoanalysis, 6:37-49, 1978) In this paper, emotional delinquency, transference and counter-transference is explored in the context to 'friendship' and extrapolated to underline the conditions required for a new relationship that's 'inside' or 'beyond'. The paper draws heavily from the well known 'attachment theory' of John Bowlby. [Attachment theory on Wiki]
Definitions to be followed in this paper :
Emotional delinquency - inadequate emotional capital to invest in a new relationship
Transference - the unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another (friend in this case)
Counter-transference - the conscious or unconscious response to the transference initiated by a person (friend in this case)
Acquaintance - any person or object that a person is emotionally invested in
Discussion : Three cases will be discussed -
1. Marriage with a person outside the circle of acquaintances in presence of emotional delinquency.
2. Rebound relationship inside the circle of acquaintances following a breakup.
3. Emotional infidelity during serious courtship and marriage - "If there is ongoing interaction with someone with whom you have been very honest in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, this can generate a feeling of closeness that stimulates even more sharing—and more closeness, and on and on. Eventually, this relationship can become extremely close and an emotional attachment develops, causing serious damage to the marriage—whether or not it ever becomes "sexual." DearPeggy.com
1. Any relationship between two individuals is started with an initial investment (II) of emotions by both the parties involved. Both the individuals have an expected return on investment (ROI) which facilitates further investment in that relationship. This can occur consciously or unconsciously - more is the investment => more is the interdependence => stronger is the bond. Emotional bank account is a metaphor for such interdependence called the P/PC (Production versus building Production Capacity) model for interdependence. Return on investment depends on the other person's emotional behaviors. Behavior of ones liking creates a deposit in the account and a behavior of ones disliking creates a withdrawal. An account with high balance builds trust and strength of that bond.
A person who is emotionally delinquent finds it difficult to make the II to open a new emotional account. Even if such a person opens a new emotional account under social pressure, say for marriage, the person finds it difficult to commit to a periodic investment thats expected by the other party for their ROI. Also, a person who is emotionally delinquent expects high ROI on his/her investment to tide over their delinquency. Marriage with a person outside someones circle of acquaintances requires opening and maintenance of such an account.
Dag Hammerskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual, than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
There are six major deposits we can make to the emotional bank account:
1. Understanding the individual. An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding.
2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships.
3. Keep commitments. Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal.
4. Clarify expectations. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later.
5. Show personal integrity. A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. Honesty requires conforming our words to reality. Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one.
6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies are deposits, but repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals.
2. Breakup makes a person emotionally vulnerable as is the case with any failure - it's an emotional investment gone wrong. In times of such vulnerability, people fall back on their family and friends for emotional support. Friends serve as counselors during such times of need. Of course a friend in need is a friend indeed and moreover, a friend in deed is a friend indeed :) 'in need' part is well understood so let's focus on the 'in deed' part of it.
Counseling involves understanding of the underlying emotional problem without any conflict of interest. Transference at such times right after a break up can occur naturally and is needed for the understanding of the problem. In such cases, the romantic emotions preceding the break up are projected on to the counselor. When the counselor is a friend, especially if of the opposite sex, then there is a propensity to a conflict in interest. Counter-transference in such conditions causes emotional entanglement and rebound relationships, which are detrimental to the trust and tenets of friendship. A trained counselor knows how to deal with this challenge and a friend 'in deed' should either learn the basics or should avoid transference altogether (giving a shoulder to cry on is not transference but emotional manipulation to make someone feel better is transference - leave that for trained counselors!!!).
Sigmund Freud on transference:
"The patient is not satisfied with regarding the analyst in the light of reality as a helper and adviser who, moreover, is remunerated for the trouble he takes and who would himself be content with some such role as that of a guide on a difficult mountain climb. On the contrary, the patient sees in him the return, the reincarnation, of some important figure out of his childhood or past, and consequently transfers on to him feelings and reactions which undoubtedly applied to this prototype. This fact of transference soon proves to be a factor of undreamt-of importance, on the one hand an instrument of irreplaceable value and on the other hand a source of serious dangers. This transference is ambivalent: it comprises positive (affectionate) as well as negative (hostile) attitudes towards the analyst, who as a rule is put in the place of one or other of the patient's parents, his father or mother. (From "An Outline of Psychoanalysis" - 1940)"
3. Emotional infidelity in current times is an emerging and serious problem. This is leading to increasing number of broken relationships and divorces. Physical infidelity is very well defined from time immemorial but emotional infidelity is not perceived that well in this age of increasing connectedness. Every relationship needs certain return on investment (ROI) and romantic relationship needs the most. Marriage is the most sacred institution that one selects under ones own volition. It goes beyond friendship since it involves raising children which demands ones undivided attention.
This is an age of increasing connectedness and diminishing returns on investments. Relationships represent a crowded nightclub and social fatigue is common. People look for instant gratification and investment in a long-term relationship feels boring. More and more people are looking for an escape from marriage to make their life more interesting. There is always pros and cons to everything. An everlasting romantic relationship requires long-term commitment and provide long-term benefits, much like a pension account. One-night-stands are more like credit cards ;)
In such times of increasing connectedness, it is possible to have flings. Also, emotional support sometimes is derived from outside of spouse/partner, which diminishes ROI in marriage/courtship. Flings unless sexual in nature are most often guilt free but ramifications can be as painful and hurtful as a physical affair. These flings usually start as a friendship and then builds on sharing of intimate thoughts and feeling. In all such cases, 'we are just friends' is a rationalization of that closeness. The trust of the spouse is most often questioned because of the 'diminishing returns on investments' in such a long-term relationship.
There are several warning signs of an emotional affair.
* You are withdrawing from your spouse.
* You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
* You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
* The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
* When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
* You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
* You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
* You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
* Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
* You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.
One of the many things that separate human from animals is our ability to know what's right and what's wrong. Human have developed a rule-book of social conduct to prevent
such misadventures that occur so often in animal kingdom. Animals socialize by animal instincts, while human socialize according to ethics.
So what's a good relationship? ... I would let Chris Rock explain ;D (caution: obscene language of course, it's CHRIS ROCK ;)
Also, "What kills a marriage quicker: A physical affair or an emotional one?"
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Malgudi Days on Utube - a reminiscence of the good old days of DD :)
Malgudi Days on Utube
R. K. Narayan was born in Mysore, in South India. As a young man he used to go for long walks, exploring the city and very often he would just watch the crowds in the market place. This observance of human life later became his inspiration when he started to write. Today, he is one of India’s leading writers and probably India’s foremost short story teller in English.
Malgudi was R. K. Narayan's claim to international fame. Malgudi – a fictitious small town in south India is typical of any small town or village, habited by timeless characters who could be living anywhere in the world. They are simple folk, dealing with their lives in an uniquely engaging, humorous and completely human and humane manner. And in that lies the greatness of R. K. Narayan and Malgudi Days.
Rajshri.com is proud to premiere the cult TV series Malgudi Days. The series spans 39 episodes and we will unveil a new episode everyday. Enjoy the magic of Malgudi..!
Producer : T. Narasimhan
Director : Shankar Nag
Music Director : L. Vaidyanathan
Illustrations : R. K. Laxman
R. K. Narayan was born in Mysore, in South India. As a young man he used to go for long walks, exploring the city and very often he would just watch the crowds in the market place. This observance of human life later became his inspiration when he started to write. Today, he is one of India’s leading writers and probably India’s foremost short story teller in English.
Malgudi was R. K. Narayan's claim to international fame. Malgudi – a fictitious small town in south India is typical of any small town or village, habited by timeless characters who could be living anywhere in the world. They are simple folk, dealing with their lives in an uniquely engaging, humorous and completely human and humane manner. And in that lies the greatness of R. K. Narayan and Malgudi Days.
Rajshri.com is proud to premiere the cult TV series Malgudi Days. The series spans 39 episodes and we will unveil a new episode everyday. Enjoy the magic of Malgudi..!
Producer : T. Narasimhan
Director : Shankar Nag
Music Director : L. Vaidyanathan
Illustrations : R. K. Laxman
Take back you time while you still have some :)
Support the minimum leave amendment that would appear after the minimum wage section in the Fair Labor Standards Act.
The bill would:
* Protect you from having your vacation cut or eliminated by an employer
* Protect you from chronically cancelled vacations
* Protect you from losing vacation time when you change jobs. You will always get three weeks after a year at a job.
* Protect you against retaliation for taking your vacation time, and end the fear of replacement, demotion, or lost promotions when you take all the time in your company policy.
* Provide a pro rata share of the three-week vacation after three months until the one-year mark is reached. For example, after six months, you would get 1.5 weeks off.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Send Post-Rapture Email to Friends 'Left Behind' - I WANT TO BELIEVE ;-)
"For just $40 a year, believers can arrange for up to 62 people to get a final message exactly six days after the Rapture, that day when -- according to Christian end times dogma -- Christians will be swept up to heaven, while doubters are left behind to suffer seven years of Tribulation under a global government headed by the Antichrist." >>
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!! ;o)
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!! ;o)
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