Emotional Affairs: Friendship and beyond ...

Postulates :
1. A person's ability to form a new 'meaningful' relationship 'beyond' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the net availability of emotional energy. Emotional delinquency limits new relationships.
2. A person's susceptibility to a new 'meaningless' relationship 'inside' their current circle of family and friends is directly proportional to the transference and counter-transference (as defined below) during emotionally vulnerable interactions.

Premise : Emotional energy is limited and invested unevenly in a person's circle of acquaintances. The emotional investment changes during the course of the relationship based on interpersonal dynamics and redefinitions. The strength of the bond between two individuals is proportional to the emotional investment of both the parties involved. When multiple parties are involved then the notion is similar to a family with multiple siblings where "Brothers and sisters usually spend at least as much time together as each spends with the parents, but the significance of their reciprocal influences tends to be overlooked. Indeed, inattention to feelings and attitudes rooted in sibling relationships can be a source of therapeutic stalemate, if not failure." (Ruth M. Lesser, "Sibling Transference and Countertransference, Journal of American Academy of Psychoanalysis, 6:37-49, 1978) In this paper, emotional delinquency, transference and counter-transference is explored in the context to 'friendship' and extrapolated to underline the conditions required for a new relationship that's 'inside' or 'beyond'. The paper draws heavily from the well known 'attachment theory' of John Bowlby. [Attachment theory on Wiki]

Definitions to be followed in this paper :
Emotional delinquency - inadequate emotional capital to invest in a new relationship
Transference - the unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another (friend in this case)
Counter-transference - the conscious or unconscious response to the transference initiated by a person (friend in this case)
Acquaintance - any person or object that a person is emotionally invested in

Discussion : Three cases will be discussed -
1. Marriage with a person outside the circle of acquaintances in presence of emotional delinquency.
2. Rebound relationship inside the circle of acquaintances following a breakup.
3. Emotional infidelity during serious courtship and marriage - "If there is ongoing interaction with someone with whom you have been very honest in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, this can generate a feeling of closeness that stimulates even more sharing—and more closeness, and on and on. Eventually, this relationship can become extremely close and an emotional attachment develops, causing serious damage to the marriage—whether or not it ever becomes "sexual." DearPeggy.com

1. Any relationship between two individuals is started with an initial investment (II) of emotions by both the parties involved. Both the individuals have an expected return on investment (ROI) which facilitates further investment in that relationship. This can occur consciously or unconsciously - more is the investment => more is the interdependence => stronger is the bond. Emotional bank account is a metaphor for such interdependence called the P/PC (Production versus building Production Capacity) model for interdependence. Return on investment depends on the other person's emotional behaviors. Behavior of ones liking creates a deposit in the account and a behavior of ones disliking creates a withdrawal. An account with high balance builds trust and strength of that bond.

A person who is emotionally delinquent finds it difficult to make the II to open a new emotional account. Even if such a person opens a new emotional account under social pressure, say for marriage, the person finds it difficult to commit to a periodic investment thats expected by the other party for their ROI. Also, a person who is emotionally delinquent expects high ROI on his/her investment to tide over their delinquency. Marriage with a person outside someones circle of acquaintances requires opening and maintenance of such an account.

Dag Hammerskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual, than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."

There are six major deposits we can make to the emotional bank account:
1. Understanding the individual. An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding.

2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships.

3. Keep commitments. Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal.

4. Clarify expectations. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later.

5. Show personal integrity. A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. Honesty requires conforming our words to reality. Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one.

6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies are deposits, but repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals.

2. Breakup makes a person emotionally vulnerable as is the case with any failure - it's an emotional investment gone wrong. In times of such vulnerability, people fall back on their family and friends for emotional support. Friends serve as counselors during such times of need. Of course a friend in need is a friend indeed and moreover, a friend in deed is a friend indeed :) 'in need' part is well understood so let's focus on the 'in deed' part of it.

Counseling involves understanding of the underlying emotional problem without any conflict of interest. Transference at such times right after a break up can occur naturally and is needed for the understanding of the problem. In such cases, the romantic emotions preceding the break up are projected on to the counselor. When the counselor is a friend, especially if of the opposite sex, then there is a propensity to a conflict in interest. Counter-transference in such conditions causes emotional entanglement and rebound relationships, which are detrimental to the trust and tenets of friendship. A trained counselor knows how to deal with this challenge and a friend 'in deed' should either learn the basics or should avoid transference altogether (giving a shoulder to cry on is not transference but emotional manipulation to make someone feel better is transference - leave that for trained counselors!!!).

Sigmund Freud on transference:
"The patient is not satisfied with regarding the analyst in the light of reality as a helper and adviser who, moreover, is remunerated for the trouble he takes and who would himself be content with some such role as that of a guide on a difficult mountain climb. On the contrary, the patient sees in him the return, the reincarnation, of some important figure out of his childhood or past, and consequently transfers on to him feelings and reactions which undoubtedly applied to this prototype. This fact of transference soon proves to be a factor of undreamt-of importance, on the one hand an instrument of irreplaceable value and on the other hand a source of serious dangers. This transference is ambivalent: it comprises positive (affectionate) as well as negative (hostile) attitudes towards the analyst, who as a rule is put in the place of one or other of the patient's parents, his father or mother. (From "An Outline of Psychoanalysis" - 1940)"

3. Emotional infidelity in current times is an emerging and serious problem. This is leading to increasing number of broken relationships and divorces. Physical infidelity is very well defined from time immemorial but emotional infidelity is not perceived that well in this age of increasing connectedness. Every relationship needs certain return on investment (ROI) and romantic relationship needs the most. Marriage is the most sacred institution that one selects under ones own volition. It goes beyond friendship since it involves raising children which demands ones undivided attention.

This is an age of increasing connectedness and diminishing returns on investments. Relationships represent a crowded nightclub and social fatigue is common. People look for instant gratification and investment in a long-term relationship feels boring. More and more people are looking for an escape from marriage to make their life more interesting. There is always pros and cons to everything. An everlasting romantic relationship requires long-term commitment and provide long-term benefits, much like a pension account. One-night-stands are more like credit cards ;)

In such times of increasing connectedness, it is possible to have flings. Also, emotional support sometimes is derived from outside of spouse/partner, which diminishes ROI in marriage/courtship. Flings unless sexual in nature are most often guilt free but ramifications can be as painful and hurtful as a physical affair. These flings usually start as a friendship and then builds on sharing of intimate thoughts and feeling. In all such cases, 'we are just friends' is a rationalization of that closeness. The trust of the spouse is most often questioned because of the 'diminishing returns on investments' in such a long-term relationship.

There are several warning signs of an emotional affair.
* You are withdrawing from your spouse.
* You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
* You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
* The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
* When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
* You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
* You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
* You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
* Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
* You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.

One of the many things that separate human from animals is our ability to know what's right and what's wrong. Human have developed a rule-book of social conduct to prevent
such misadventures that occur so often in animal kingdom. Animals socialize by animal instincts, while human socialize according to ethics.

So what's a good relationship? ... I would let Chris Rock explain ;D (caution: obscene language of course, it's CHRIS ROCK ;)


Also, "What kills a marriage quicker: A physical affair or an emotional one?"